One thing after another

Every day's the same She fights to find her way She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray, She wonders why. Does anyone ever hear her when she cries? 


^^ Lyrics to a song that seems like its describing me in it. One moment everythings good and things were  looking up and looked like I was going to have atleast a little fun for this summer and then in a matter of hours everything turned upside down. First Grandpa Clinton dies, and then I go to SC with my parents to pick up my siblings that spent three weeks there. I never thought I would hear or see myself saying I hate SC and want to leave. And theres really no reason behind why I hate it but for some reason I dont want to be there. And then I learn more news that is just eating me up. I dont wanna say on here right now because if someone I know reads this and they know the person Im talking about I dont wanna start craziness. But Im scared. I dont wanna lose the one Im talking about. Only me and one other person knows that I know of and the other person I dont think they understand fully and what not. I hate being the one to know stuff. I use to be one of the kids that wanted to know stuff first so I could brag about knowing something first and what not but now... I wish I didnt know. I wish I was kept in the dark about it but then Im glad Im not in the dark about it. I dont know.. I know God has a plan for everything and there are reasons for Him doing what He's doing but I cant come to terms with this. I dont want Him to take this person from me. I know they are ready to go home and be with Him BUT Im not ready for that. They are suppose to be here for my graduation and for my wedding and for my first kid. And they might be but its not looking good. I feel so selfish and feel like I should have done more, I dont know. I still cant believe it. I know I have a good friend (Hannah) to talk to about this but the one person I want to talk to (Ryan) I cant because I feel like its to soon to talk to him about something like this. He just lost someone and I dont wanna upset him by saying some stuff. I dont know.. I feel like theres no one to talk to. I cant handle all this at once. I know scripture says totally different, because it goes back to my post in June "God has a positive answer" and here are the ones I know scripture is saying right now: 

You say: "I feel all alone"  

God says: "I will never leave you or forsake you" 

Hebrews 13:5

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"    

God says: "Cast all your cares on Me"  

1 Peter 5:7

You say: "I can't manage"

God says: " I will supply all your needs"

Philippians 4:19

You say: "I'm afraid"

God says: "I have not given you a spirit of fear"

 II Timothy 1:7

You say: "I can't go on"

God says: " My grace is sufficient"    

 II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm91:15

You say: " I can't figure things out"

God says: "I will direct your steps"   

Proverbs 3:5-6

You say: "I can't do it"

God says: "You can do all things"

 Philippians 4:13  

I know all of this is true but I dont know. I know God is watching over me and everything but it all seems so confusing and hard. I just wish I really could talk to someone, I know two of the best people in my life wants me to talk to them and I want to talk to them but I just cant and I dont know why. I was up last night staring out my window at the moon praying on and off and I told Him when Hes ready he can take this person. I dont know if I meant it or not but I told Him it was okay. With all of that I have school to worry about and Im just so overwhemled right now I dont know what to do. Im gonna keep praying and hope everything comes together soon. Not sure on how much more I can handle.. But trying to keep my head held high and keep moving forward. Hope everyone has a great day!